In a log house deep in the Quebec woods lived a grizzled
crusty old curmudgeon. Every year as the winter solstice
approached, he would push away the snow, grumble at the
deer eating his apple trees, and reflect on the folly of
his neighbours and the world in general.
This particular year, as he rationed out the ashes on
the icy spots of his driveway, he found himself muttering
his usual mantra "Christmas, humbug." In his earlier days,
before abject squalor and crushing poverty had put "finis"
to his social life, the old curmudgeon had been a scientist
working in things electrical, and a few echoes of this earlier
life occasionally shone forth. On this particular day visions
of twisted pairs, relays, flashing lights and thermal limiters
assailed his inner senses, and burst forth in a wondrous
seasonal idea with which to greet the world "I will create
a Christmas banner" shouted the Hermit, and hastened to
his basement.
There, within the confines of the concrete walls, surrounded
by old lumber and bits of electrical detritus from an earlier
life, the Hermit commenced his labours. First, without benefit
of computer, software or monitor, he drew out a complex
diagram and checked it minutely. He giggled impulsefully
as his calculations proved it good. "Curse them all and
their junctions, chips, and microprocessors" he mouthed
to the curious cats at his feet, "I will do it with latching
relays and timing motors. Let the old technology triumph!!"
With all components assembled and tested, construction
commenced and continued far into the night. First, on an
ancient 4 X 8 panel of plywood he cunningly fashioned a
string of lights, fashioned to spell out three letters in
red. Next, chuckling to himself, and munching on a stale
crust, he installed relays and timers and overlaid his first
letters with three more in white lights. The day was waning
and the Hermit was fatigued by long work and consultation
of his elaborate circuit diagrams. However, he laboured
on, carefully connecting in the relays and transformer.
Finally he completed the task with a further overlay of
three letters in green lights.
How he chortled in glee! How his step was lightened by
the thought of what he was about to inflict on the spirit
of Noel! He heaved mightily and lifted the plywood panel
on his trusty tractor where he lashed it down firmly. Then,
still burbling with mirth, he moved his creation far out
towards his gate and the highway, where merry shoppers drove
by with their Christmas treasures. "A pox upon them" muttered
the Hermit, "I'll show the world the proper and realistic
approach to their obsessive materialism."
He carefully installed the plywood panel where it faced
the highway, then with a cackling of triumph he plugged
in the power and watched with pride while the lights flashed
and the relays clicked out their electrical instructions.
There it stood, three immense letters in red for three
seconds, then three in white for an equal time, and finally
three in green. Then darkness for exactly five seconds,
then the cycle repeating.
BAH HUM BUG
Bluebox ©2001 Don Cox
Website ©2001 OttawaWEB
