THE
BLUE BOX (Recycled Ideas)
by Don Cox
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Since I first began writing this column, I've stuck to a
policy of avoiding religion or politics, just like in most
Barber shops. Most everything else goes, for example I have
even touched the topic of short bald unemployed people.
Sometimes however, something comes up which is so topical
and newsworthy that the rules need to be bent a bit. That's
the way it is this week. What follows may astound or offend
some of you, but in the interests of public health and national
unity I feel I don't really have a choice.
It's all about chemical balance, and how this can change
your outlook. We all know that there are things we eat or
drink that can change our view of life. That's what men's
beverage rooms are for. Sometimes the pressures are more
than a few bottles of beer can handle, and in these cases,
lots of people take something called Prozac to get their
chemistry rebalanced and become cheerful again. It's the
modern mood altering panacea.
In a recent issue of the scientific journal "Nature",
a researcher has suggested that we look for something called
a "theological Prozac." He proposes that a brain
scan of monks and nuns at prayer would identify the regions
associated with a sense of contact with God, and that nuclear
magnetic resonance would reveal the composition of the molecules
responsible. Once isolated and produced on a commercial
scale, this chemical could be prescribed to provide spiritual
comfort, but without the stern orthodox convictions associated
with religion. When I first read this, I was troubled at
yet another intrusion into mood control. Later, when I realized
the implications of this on the Canadian scene, I was more
than troubled, I felt a veritable chill of foreboding.
Think about it for a moment, what province of Canada has
the most advanced and highly developed biotechnology? The
answer is of course, the province of Quebec. And when did
this advanced biotech start being seriously developed and
encouraged by Quebec government grants and subsidies? About
the same time that the separatist movement began to take
root in the province. Finally, what food started being widely
consumed at about the same time, and is virtually unknown
outside Quebec? The answer is, very obviously, poutine.
Coincidence? I DON'T THINK SO!! My bet is that we will
eventually learn that brain scans of separatists has allowed
the Quebec biotech industry to identify and isolate the
separatist protein molecule. This molecule has been synthesized
in vast quantities, and is being routinely fed to us in
our poutine.
I know what you are thinking, "Anglos eat poutine
too, why doesn't it affect them." I admit this is a
bit of a puzzle, and is a weak point in my theory. It could
be the lack of some obscure bit of Celtic DNA, or it might
be interference from the Nordic enzyme, the one that promotes
digestion of Yorkshire pudding. However, my best guess is
that it's simply a matter of the vaguely rectangular shape
of Anglo heads.
Bluebox ©2001 Don Cox
Website ©2001 OttawaWEB
